Empty shell of a Dad

I can not see how you can live with yourself,
how dont you feel a pool full of regret,
when you have caused us so much grief,
how can you go about your daily life,
with the things you have done to us,
Don't you ever feel like you could have tried,
maybe you could have acted like you cared,
or just maybe truly cared with your whole heart,
you have never fooled me,
nor will you ever,
you may love me,
but if you call that love then you dont really know what it feels like to love,
you have got the definition jacked up,
everyday you cross my mind,
and it feels like jaggers in my heart,
thinking of what i could have had,
but what I was dealt with,
God apparently has a purpose for this,
I wait for the clouds to clear and for me to see,
when all this makes sense again,
and is not just a jubbled mess of thoughts and feelings,
I dont need you in my life,
you are like a shell of a person I never knew,
there is no depth to you,
there is no emotions,
there is no purpose,
there is no passion,
you are a bottled capsule of a human,
maybe there is a man in there,
waiting to be released,
but I can no longer wait,
because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought
useless and dissappointing,(a cinderella story)
Am I really that hard to talk too?
really that hard to relate too?
really that hard to care for?
really that hard to love?
because of you I question myself everyday,
struggle with the simple things in life,
strive to gain your approval,
the one that I will never get,
the approval that I shouldn't be searching for,
but am everyday in life,
replacing that approval with other things,
being attracted to guys that I need them to love me,
guys that I need them to think that I am worth,
unlike the man that never shows me that,
you have caused so much hurt and pain,
that you could not patch it up with anything at this point,
it is a hopeless cause,
my life would be better off without you,
I wouldnt have to suffer through silence anymore,
and could live my life without regrets,
but I live with them,
you have left scars on my heart,
that show what I have dealt with,
and signify what I will not deal with ever again,
I will never let my children have a man like you in their life,
You may love me but your love is twisted,
I love you dad for giving me life,
but that is about it