Empty shell of a Dad

I can not see how you can live with yourself,
how dont you feel a pool full of regret,
when you have caused us so much grief,
how can you go about your daily life,
with the things you have done to us,
Don't you ever feel like you could have tried,
maybe you could have acted like you cared,
or just maybe truly cared with your whole heart,
you have never fooled me,
nor will you ever,
you may love me,
but if you call that love then you dont really know what it feels like to love,
you have got the definition jacked up,
everyday you cross my mind,
and it feels like jaggers in my heart,
thinking of what i could have had,
but what I was dealt with,
God apparently has a purpose for this,
I wait for the clouds to clear and for me to see,
when all this makes sense again,
and is not just a jubbled mess of thoughts and feelings,
I dont need you in my life,
you are like a shell of a person I never knew,
there is no depth to you,
there is no emotions,
there is no purpose,
there is no passion,
you are a bottled capsule of a human,
maybe there is a man in there,
waiting to be released,
but I can no longer wait,
because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought
useless and dissappointing,(a cinderella story)
Am I really that hard to talk too?
really that hard to relate too?
really that hard to care for?
really that hard to love?
because of you I question myself everyday,
struggle with the simple things in life,
strive to gain your approval,
the one that I will never get,
the approval that I shouldn't be searching for,
but am everyday in life,
replacing that approval with other things,
being attracted to guys that I need them to love me,
guys that I need them to think that I am worth,
unlike the man that never shows me that,
you have caused so much hurt and pain,
that you could not patch it up with anything at this point,
it is a hopeless cause,
my life would be better off without you,
I wouldnt have to suffer through silence anymore,
and could live my life without regrets,
but I live with them,
you have left scars on my heart,
that show what I have dealt with,
and signify what I will not deal with ever again,
I will never let my children have a man like you in their life,
You may love me but your love is twisted,
I love you dad for giving me life,
but that is about it

Let me put you in my shoes for a minute,
Let you see how you make me feel,
What it would be like if you went through what I did,
What I am still trying to get over,
First you talk to me,
You know what just to say to make me swoon,
I am sure you have used those lines before,
But for some reason I still believe every word,
We get to know each other,
I know your quirks and you know mine,
Each day look forward to the time we get to talk,
Thinking what we could be,
Wondering what could happen,
I see you for the first time in a year,
Amazed at how much I forgot about you,
What you looked like,
My heart skips a beat,
Immediately try and rememorize your face,
The way you look at me,
Knowing that I will miss everything,
How your eyes cut all the way to my core,
I dreamt about the hope of those nights,
Knowing they were numbered and sparse,
Appreciating every moment,
Expecting when I would see you again,
The night we opened up to each other,
When you spoke those simple words,
The three that changed my world,
You said you have been waiting for when it felt right,
You picked the perfect one,
I still smile at that moment,
There is a million things you could have said,
But you chose the ones that are so easy to pronounce,
But so hard to actually say,
I still wonder if you really meant them,
Or were just saying it cause it would have been perfect,
That “I love you” changed my summer,
But they meant nothing to you,
That night of childish games,
Outside in the rain,
It was picture perfect,
Straight out of a movie,
All of what I would have ever dreamed,
And then some,
I will always remember my first kiss,
But maybe it should have been with someone else,
I never doubted that you were a great guy,
It did not cross my mind that you would do this,
Should have listened to the voices around me about you,
The he is just a player messing with your heart,
The minute your gone he will move on,
Thought they were just trying to protect me,
Especially from someone I thought I didn’t need protection from,
But I was wrong,
You did exactly what they said you would,
I thought I knew you better,
But again I was wrong,
What happened to our love,
Where did you go, love?
How would you feel ?
If the girl you were in love with,
The girl you had your first kiss with,
The girl who was always there,
Got up and walked away,
Without even a goodbye,
How would you take that?
It has been weeks since you have talked to me,
I don’t know what I did wrong,
If anything I would like to know,
Maybe it wasn’t even me,
You probably found someone or something better,
And didn’t bother with some girl you spent your summer nights with,
Who isn’t worth wasting your time with,
Cause there was never a real chance,
We come from different places,
And I live hundreds and hundred of miles away,
Never a chance,
Someday you may ask what happened,
You should ask yourself,
I wanted you and nothing else,
And you wanted anything else but me,
You know what I wish you well,
It still hurts,
But the pain will fade eventually,
Now im mostly mad,
And will be for awhile,
I wonder what will happen next summer,
When I see you again,
I hope you regret everything you did to me,
And do not expect me to come running back to you,
I am through with you,
I pray that you are jealous,
That you know you screwed up,
Maybe then you will apologize,
That when you see me you wish you did things differently,
All I will do is laugh,
And tell you now you know how I feel now,
So how does it feel?
You had a girl that could have been all yours,
But you ignored me,
Left without any answers,
Thats okay I don’t need you,
I have learned that,
I am much better off without you,
But you aren’t better off without me,
Someday you will look back on this summer,
I know you will,
And think of me,
Like I have been thinking about you,
I hope you enjoy it too,
To feel what it is like to be used,
I hope you find a girl who plays your game better then you do,
What goes around comes around,
So have a nice life…

Dont Forget

You said you wouldn’t hurt me,
Not got over me fast
why do i keep feeding myself lies,
lies that i could change you,
but your just a boy I thought I knew,
a boy I thought I knew wouldn’t do this to me
thought I could make you the guy i want you to be
,that you may actually change your ways,
stick to one girl for longer than it takes you to get them,
I thought i would never be one of those girls,
chasing after the bad boy,
knowing the end always is heartbreak,
what was I thinking?
that you actually care about me?
that I matter to you?
and am not just some other girl
but now I see the real you,
you break hearts for fun,
use me and then throw me away,
walk away from "us",
without even a notice,
all I need is an apology...is that too much?really is it?
I think I deserve at least that much.
you never loved me,
you just used those three words to draw me closer,
why did you say it if you didnt even mean it?
I dont think you know what love is,
if you truly loved me you wouldnt not be here now,
I hope one day you find out what love is,
not just lust,
but true love,
maybe that will change you,
hopefully you wont be scared of what love could do to you,
I thought I could be that girl,
I guess not.now that you are gone,
all I see you is as a another mistake,
that I will have to live my life with,
I know you are a good person,
but why must you do this to me,
its not the same without you,
I actually miss you,
when I know I shouldnt,
cause I know you dont miss me,
your probably glad I'm out of your life so you can move on to the next girl,
I will always remember you though,
especially those summer nights we spent together,
how my heart fluttered everytime I was with you,
how all my thoughts revolved around you,
how everytime you talked to me,
I would get lost in your eyes and not remeber what you said,
I wish I could remember these as good times,
and not ones that I regret,
It was great at the time,
but now I wonder...did you really feel the same way?
I will make myself think that you did,
that in those starry light nights we could maybe fall in love,
that we could be there for each other,
keep each other close,
I thought we could be great friends,
help each other through tough timesbuild a lasting friendship,
but that wasnt important to you,
which I am sure I will get over it,
it may take time,
but I will...
you just forgot that I was even alive,
I hope you never regret what we had that one summer,
dont forget...

YOUR STILL JUST A JERK!!!

Only If

everything, everyone I see,
looking,
grading,
comparing,
why cant I be?
look like that,
it brings me down,
day by day,
wishing,
wanting,
to be something different,
not just typical,
ordinary,
for people to take a second look,
for them to linger,
look at me,
like they look at them,
to be more,
for people to see me,
at first glance,
want more

But most of all,
to stop being so judgemental,
to try and see,
what someone else may see,
to look at them in
anothers persons eyes,
find something good,
not something to fix,
critize,
compare,
for me to look at them
like God looks at them,
always with,
admiration,
love,
forgiveness,
to understand,
that they have the same insecurites as me,
just it maybe be tweaked differently,
to know they struggle just like me

All I want is to be content,
maybe be even happy with myself,
to stop trying to be like someone
else but truly myself,
to stop fantizing to look like them,
to be okay with me,
that someday someone will
think of me as beautiful,
to love every single living
piece of me,
with all my flaws,
to love me wholy,
but first I need to love myself,
to think of myself as beautiful,
not ordinary,
but extrodinary,
not ugly,
but radiant,
that is what i need

The Wall

what are these emotions,
where did they come from?
how am I supposed to handle them,
do I bottle them up inside?
or speak them out?
keeping them locked up,
I wont get hurt,
there would be no chaos,
all would be well,
keeping them inside,
helps me to be more liked,
people not knowing what I really feel,
being unemotional,
lets me be kept in one piece,
not able to be broken,
but is it better?,
emotions feuding around in my head,
being stacked in places,
the captivives of my brain,
one thought after another,
all so confusing,
what one do I feel now,
or was that yesterdays emotion,
everything being mixed up,
am I hurting the people around me?
do they know who I really am?
do I even know?
emotions messing with my life,
what will happen when i let them out?
will I feel relieved?
or will I just fall?
I am at this cliff in my life,
my choice to either stay at the top,
free from the enemy,
the oppurtunity of pain and hurt,
or do I jump off this cliff?
descend in to the unknown,
somewhere new,
where I speak my mind,
I stand here with this choice,
what do I do?
building up this impentrable wall,
no one can get through,
people get a tiny piece of who I am at a time,
first getting my trust,
or do I immediately present myself as I am?
my heart aches,
if I put myself out there,
I open myself up to heartache,
more jabs thrown at me,
still I do not know what to choose,
for now I am going to keep things building up,
and have hope that the bottle doe not overflow,
or even break,
I need to heal completely,
make sure I am alright,
then maybe just maybe,
the wall will crumble,
I guess we will see,
someone to show me its okay,
okay to be vulnerable,
to express myself the way I am,
if only that would happen,
I well keep praying,
lowering the wall,
little by little......

he came down for one reason,
he sacrificied his only son for one reason,
he suffered through pain and agony for one reason,
he was accused for one reason,
his hands were nailed for one reason,
his head smashed into a crown for one reason,
his body tested for one reason,
his bones shattered for one reason,
his heart ripped apart for one reason,
the reason is for us,
it is uncomprehendable,
all this for us,
to wash or sins away,
like washing dirt out of a wound,
to preform miracles,
like making the blind see,
to share his story,
like a childhood story,
to show his love,
this unlimitable untangleable love,
to tell of his father,
like a boy boosting about his daddy,
to change lives,
like his word still does today,
to come and carry the cross,
like we pick up his cross now,
to have nails drilled causing pain,
like people break our hearts,
to ask for forgiveness of the people who killed him,
like we must forgive those who do wrong,
to die for us?
like......
nothing ever before,
all for us,
everything,
all for us,
wrap your head around that,
Jesus died....
the greatest man to ever live,
killed for what?
being pure?
being holy?
being Jesus....
this man,
layed his life down for me,
would anyone else even come close?
never,
he is our savior,
My savior
dying to make our lives worth something,
grief filled his people,
he has died,
nails driven,
heart stopped,
he is gone,
they have lost all hope,
until....,
3 days later,
days of hurt,
days of remembrance,
days of confusion,
but on that sunday morning,
hope restored,
eyes opened,
hearts fullfilled,
he has risen,
he is with his father,
he is risen,
just as he has said,
today we give thanks to
the greatest man to ever live,
the man who died for us,
he has one reason,
us,
one reason to live,
us,
one reason to die,
us,
one reason to wash the sins of everyone away,
us,
he is the reason for this day,
only him



I thank you Lord everyday for giving your life for me and everyone...you saved us from evil and destruction caused by sin...you have washed that away with your blood..and I thank you that you are alive today...thank you

healing

healing is like an open wound,
it hurts like hell,
as all the mess is pouring out,
seeming like it would never stop,
after time you think you are healing,
but the scab of hurt gets ripped off,
faster than you expected,
the mess starts again,
you try and recover,
ready for the next remembrance,
you form this portectie shell,
shielding yourself form anything
that may cause you pain,
the scab is the only thing keeping
you from falling apart,
only a protective layer,
you begin to heal
but there is this itch reminding
you of the pain you suffered,
soon after you are left with this
permeant scar,
the protective layer peeled off,
exposing you to all the pain,
the scar reminds you everyday
of the tears you shed,
the pain of hurt,
and the lasting memory
of the time someone left
a mark on your heart......