healing

healing is like an open wound,
it hurts like hell,
as all the mess is pouring out,
seeming like it would never stop,
after time you think you are healing,
but the scab of hurt gets ripped off,
faster than you expected,
the mess starts again,
you try and recover,
ready for the next remembrance,
you form this portectie shell,
shielding yourself form anything
that may cause you pain,
the scab is the only thing keeping
you from falling apart,
only a protective layer,
you begin to heal
but there is this itch reminding
you of the pain you suffered,
soon after you are left with this
permeant scar,
the protective layer peeled off,
exposing you to all the pain,
the scar reminds you everyday
of the tears you shed,
the pain of hurt,
and the lasting memory
of the time someone left
a mark on your heart......

lesson learned

you see this boy for the first time,
wondering what he is all about,
where did he come from?
what is he like?
all I want to do is know him,
just maybe be his friend,
I never thought this would happen,
all so unexpected,
how he looks at you,
the look of in his eyes,
just maybe he feels the same as you,
we start talking,
I think I am in a dream,
where did this boy come from?
why for me?
then we became friends,
next thing he wants more,
simply by wrapping his arm around my waist
or smoothly holding my hand,
I am not sure what to think,
is it real,
honestly I was overjoyed,
some guy like this likes me?
everytime I see him my heart starts to flutter,
so fast it may combust,
it came out of nowhere,
I was so unprepared,
where did this boy come from?
and most of all why for me?

I was all caught up in the moment,
overseeing all his flaws,
and only seeing the good,
never thinking about all the things
I knew about him,
forgetting all brags and boasts,
completely blindsited by him,
brainwashed by his ways,
lust captivating all my senses

All of a sudden my universe was
turned upside down,
lost in my own world,
wondering where he went,
thinking maybe he just took a detour,
so I wait expecting something,
but it never ever came

One day I woke up,
senses restored,
thoughts not revolving around him,
reality setting in,
daydreams diminished to into
faint distant memories,
realizing what a jerk you were afterall

What took me so long?
I took jabs for you,
though maybe it would be worth it,
everyone saying,"just be careful!",
not compreneding why,
the answer was revealed,
you were just a player,
luring girls in just for your pleasure,
not caring about the hearts you are affecting,
not a care in the world

Now I am just another name in your hand of cards,
drawn up as you are finished with the other,
now your down with my card too,
why do girls fall so hard for you?
drawn in so quickly,
captiviting us in your presence,
but you spit us out faster than
we can catch ourselves,
from utter heartbreak

I can not wait for the day,
when all your cards
are dealt, played, and turned over,
then you try to play old cards,
but are smart enough not to get
played again

O the day,
when you have no more,
moves to play,
tricks to try,
and your the one with heart ache,
wishing you played your
own game differently,
all along you were a player,
and I chose not to listen,
going through cards,
one after another,
but one day,
you will relize it was not worth it,
the game will get old
and you will walk away,
wishing you did not play at all

I will only be in one game of cards,
my card will never be played
by you again,
you used me,
eyed me like I was a prize
you had to win,
you won me all right,
but not fairly,
you cheated yourself,
all I was just a toy you
got bored with,
and torn piece by piece,
completely trashed your prize

I am done with,
I have had enough of you,
never again will a player
have a part of me,
I have permeantly already
lost a piece to one,
I want to thank you for
teaching me a lesson,
hopefully one day you will
realize all the hurt you caused,
and walk away from just a status
you think is more of a characteristic,
it is not one,
and you should walk away,
please....

rushing river

life is like a rushing river
everyone going going going
all in one direction

everyone going with the flow
following the way of the river
never going there own way

getting wrapped up
caught up in the current
going places they dont want to go

the water is unpredictable
rushing places you never thought existed
wondering when the current will ease

but all you ever needed to do was stand
stand up and stay firm

dont let the current pull you
pull the current in the right direction
be a rock in the rushing water

a rock that people run into
and maybe down the stream
will stand up and be a rock
with you

Do not follow the rushing water
start your own current
plant rocks in the river

So that maybe you will inspire
inspire people to stand up
and not follow the flow

I seem them smile and wonder
if they will be alright
I know what is ahead for them
I have been there before

I pray day and night for them
wishing it won't happen
I dont want them to have
to deal with what I have

I know its inevitable though
they will...
hopefully it wont be as bad

They dont know what is coming
they dont know what is happening
they will be taken by surprise

They are so young
and I just cant imagine
seeing them go through
something so tramatic
and being alright

The oldest I worry the most
will he ever understand
its not his fault
it was just fate

Someday I hope they will
all be alright
these years are going to be testing
but I pray each day they will make it

And in the end their family will be
pieced back together
that someday they will be a whole again

Only if wishes came true...........

thoughts

thoughts speeding through my mind
some dont make sense
and some make me smile
some make me think...
so make me dream..
thoughts that i hope become reality

on and on again.......

on and on again...
its the same old story
the same old arguement
it never goes anywhere
but the same place
nowhere....
on and on again...
its the same lies you have said
I dont believe it anymore
it still goes to to the place
in one in ear and out the other

on and on again...
you say the same things
we discuss the same old topic
never really coming to a conclusion
just disappointment

on and on again...
we try to make a difference
but its not our discission to make
we need to stop interferring
and let you decide

on and on again...
its not our place to say
its not our storie to tell
its not our life
its not our decission...

we just all hope you make the right one
we will always be there
even if we dont take your side
we are here for advice
even if you dont like what you hear
we are always here

Love you always

Falling for a guy
I wonder how that really happens
One minute you look at a guy
And your friends
And the next minute
You take a longer glance
And discover you have fallen for him
You don’t see clearly anymore
Everything revolves around him
His the center of your world
Life seems brighter
Things have more color
And your thoughts more vibrant
Your smile is wider
People see the difference in you
If only you could see the difference in yourself
You think to yourself how did I get this lucky
How did I get this guy
How on earth does this guy like you
Or am I fooling myself
But then things get more depth
You start to think what happened
Where did the lust go…..
My smile seems to be getting heavier
Getting harder for me to keep it on
My thoughts begin to wander
Wondering what to do next
You start to think why is this happening
The next thing you know you have made
A decision you never though you would
Conclude to….
Its over and you don’t know how
Thoughts aren’t wrapped around him
The piece off to more important things
The same thought keeps playing in your head
Its over and I don’t know why

Why cant I get over you
Why cant I forget
Its like watching a broken record
Replaying the same scene over and over again
the repition stabs at the memories in my heart
again and again and again...
Scences from the good times
and the times I would
Rather not see again
I keep seeing you pop up in my head
Even if I rather you not
I see things that remind me of you
And think what it would be like if you were
Still with me
I guess I will never know
Sometimes that bothers me
But it was the best decision for us
at the turning points in our life
Seeing you walk all alone in the hallway
Part of me wonders if im supposed to be attached to you
Hand and hand making new memories
To replay on my record that may not
Be broken…..if you were still here


But it was right and now I know
we are both better off
blossoming into our own
learning from what we have gone through
that one year we were meant to be
we both helped each other
through challenging times
you were there for me to lean on
and I knew you would never let me fall
always there to pick me back up again
after brutal situations and remarks that were said
And all i ever want to say is thank you
you helped me through testing periods
in my life at the time

It was the right thing
and now i know for sure
we will always remember each other
our first love
and i will always think back
and remember good things
we each grew together
our lives were vined together
but it was time to branch off
and create a new beautiful vine
of our own......